the dark side.

i’ve received a lot of truly heart-warming messages from folks after they’ve read my latest literary effort, ‘unprotected sects.’ 

but hey, i’ve also received some loud silences and a couple of down-right cranky messages. i think it’d be fantastically funny, not to mention more real, to record the not-so-positive reviews along with the positive ones on the back cover. that’s assuming i ever do a second printing.

one of my dearest old friends, a lady whose opinions i value tremendously, so eloquently wrote: “i expected it to be racy. i did not expect it to be crass, insensitive, inaccurate and down-right disgusting.” i like to think that otherwise she loved it. ok, of course i found her comments mildly unsettling. but then i consoled myself with the thought that at least she’s too far away to throw hard objects at me.  

the aged mother of one of my good buddies, a lady who apparently reads a book each week, told her son she couldn’t finish mine.  

an eighty-year-old cousin, after telling me how much he was looking forward to reading the book, offered no reaction at all, for a long long time. eventually he sent an email suggesting i visit him in haliburton ‘to discuss the book.’ i do like road-trips but it aint gonna happen.

“there is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.” aristotle. 

the appointment.

after phoning the clinic and asking if i might have a doctor’s appointment, the receptionist asked what was my issue. i told her i was lonely. there ensued a pregnant silence during which i tried to assure her that i was joking but i don’t think she believed me. 

the truth of the matter was i had been barely able to walk for weeks. my back, left hip and leg all felt as though i’d all of a sudden become a cranky, aging, sixty-eight-year-old guy, which of course i am. 

anyway, after all the pushing, poking and prodding, the doctor suggested tylenol and physio. well, he also organized an x-ray just to make sure there was no bone damage. but basically he was pretty convinced my issue was a sciatic one and it’d just take time. i had no intention of doing physio and frankly i thought he was very wrong. i was quite certain the situation was much more serious than that. 

as it happened, the doctor was far more interested in some spots he spotted upon my otherwise lovely face. and so the only treatment i really received was a very liberal spraying of liquid nitrogen upon said previously lovely face. that left me looking as though i was of no fixed address, as though i probably mostly hung around various taverns on clarence street. 

once safely back in my car i drove immediately up to tim hortons where i seemed to fit in very well. and, as difficult as it was for me to admit, my back felt strangely much better.