sahajataa is the love of my life who waited patiently, patiently. and then once we united i was led to what can only be described as an absolute bliss consciousness, saat chitt aanand. pre-conceived notions regarding what i needed or wanted simply fell away. our relationship may in itself be a kind of self-realization.
i use the feminine term only since i identify as male. in reality sahajataa's beyond all that, beyond the beyond of all that. and i've largely gone beyond myself within her loving embrace. over the years the more united i've become with my mystical magical beloved the more i've become inspired by her effortless and unconditional affection, like a sun shining down on everyone indiscriminately. who and what i ever considered myself to be has diminished along the way to the point that i've been left wondering what will remain. when all the layers are finally peeled away and i lose myself fully within her loving embrace, what will remain? because i heard her whisper; tat twam asi, that thou art.
i've found myself similarly to be left in a state of bemused disbelief regarding just about everything i'd previously been taught. i don't really believe i was ever all that i thought. and at the same time i no longer really believe or not whomsoever spoke of god, oneness or enlightenment. just because ancient sages introduced me to sahajataa does not mean i must gratefully accept all their assumptions that followed. of course i've no argument with faith if they call it that rather than actual knowingness. what i myself believe now is that if i don't know neither might they, neither mightn't they ever have known. and that's just how i feel.
for once in a while someone will ask what i do. and my answer of course is that i'm retired. they're not asking what i used to do. and retired can be loosely translated as: i do nothing or i am nothing. which finally suits me so perfectly well, since i may also be everything. their question should be: who was the first mother? in fact where, how and why did this life, this underlying reality originate? they should ask me that, not because i have the answers, but because i won't pretend to know. of course i'll introduce sahajataa. she may have a friend.
the discovery of my magical mythical mystical love, needless to say, should never be minimized. for within ones beloved lies a possibility of freedom. not that even sahajataa can supply me with a final beatitude, although i might be pleasantly surprised, but because of an elemental acceptance of life, for what it's not and for all that it is. it may in the end actually be enough to know her.