my little room.

my little room.
nathan.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

the problem with toast.


i have a problem. it has to do with the great and noble truth, as taught by the buddha, of impermanence. the problem is: i hate it. i don't like change. i especially don't like the thought of one day being toast.

i know there's no use fretting over it. there are only two scenarios possible at any given time: either i'm toast or i'm still bread. if i'm toast, after some teeth-gnashing and 'why me's', i will probably appreciate the loss of hope, that spectacularly sad sense of freedome. on the other hand, if i'm still bread, even slightly mouldy bread, well then i suppose i'll hate the inevitability of becoming toast. but, at least i will be flexible.

logically, i realize it's a win win for everyone involved, although nobody really is. it's just you and me and neither of us expects to drag the other into the toaster. of course, once in the toaster you're toast. it's no good trying to desperately put the setting on light rather than dark. toast is toast any way you slice it. and that's my problem. languishing in a doctor's waiting room recently, a song called 'if i die young' by 'the band perry' was playing. the irony was not lost on me as i smiled over at an older guy sitting opposite. but he was either not amused or not a fan of country music.

so what's my problem? according to a friend of mine, osho used to say that going toward the unknown, irregardless of the risks, will ensure you of continuous growth. but, i wonder if he meant growth of knowledge or growth of tumours. because it's damned stressful stepping out into that vast unknown. albert einstein said: "a boat is safe in harbour, but that's not what it's made for."

fear of change is, of course, the fear of becoming toast and, as mark twain wrote: "the fear of death follows from the fear of life. a person who lives fully is prepared to die at any time."

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