equanimity.

 dear kalyani; lovely name.

     thanks for your question. i like questions, makes me feel useful 😋. the fact is we share the same issue, perhaps many or even all folks do. to one extent or another. the other day all i wanted to do was install a new toilet seat. those are the simplest things to change and yet i couldn’t do it properly, had to kind of jerry-rig the new seat into place. and i was swearing like a sailor (do sailors actually swear more than other people?) maybe because i live alone i tend to talk to myself, and i often say: “you can’t even do that simple thing, you f-ing jerk,” even days after. 

     your problem is more relevant than the ridiculous example i just mentioned. but nobody likes to fail, at anything, whether an important business presentation or installing a new toilet seat. and i will honestly tell you what has helped me most of all in my life: age. i’m 69 and now i know pretty much for certain that none of it really matters, none of it ever mattered. i still beat myself up, a little, but i also kind of laugh at myself at the same time. really. and i kind of laugh at others, although not in a mean-spirited way, seeing how seriously they take themselves. it just doesn’t really matter. and for me, what has helped best has been a combination of age and meditation.

     the combination has been wonderful because the question begs asking: how can one become a little wiser earlier? how can one learn to relax now? what practice will help me relax and accept myself now? i know that if i had not meditated all these years i would not have the perspective that i do have. it has been my greatest treasure. lord knows where i’d be or who i’d be otherwise. and it did help me immediately. but i must add at the same time that it’s not a quick fix. it’s a long-term commitment to change. the practice helps initially with all our issues, depending on their severity. sometimes folks need more assistance otherwise: a trained professional, a doctor, maybe even medications. but, i am quite confident in saying that meditation smooths out those rough edges right away and more and more. 

     now a big part of the practice is the training of equanimity: being the watcher, being the uninvolved observer. when sitting, the more one practices simply watching the negative thoughts, painful memories, failures, without owning it all, the more profound an effect that training has in ones daily life. i would recommend that while being the watcher you even say: ‘it’s pain, not my pain, just pain.’ remember one thing: the mind will make us unhappy and then make us unhappy about being unhappy. the practice of equanimity can break that cycle. be the watcher more and the pain less. eventually, when you make a mistake during a presentation, you will have an innate ability to notice and act creatively, sometimes even in the moment. and you will shrug your shoulder if it’s afterward. it will just be who you have become. 

     this message is long enough kalyani dear. i could go on, but i’ll stop now. i’m always around, so far, and invite you to contact me anytime. best wishes going forward. 

     sincerely; nathan.