the love of my life.

‘she was the love of my life, until she wasn’t’. 

i’ve always thought that’d be a great country/western song title. i’ve always liked country music so, as pandemic fear spread inexorably through the radio-waves, i switched from cbc to a country station. i thought a little down-home music would be a less traumatic way to begin the day.

i’d tuned into the cbc first thing in the morning for years. i’d sip my first cup of coffee, catch up on the latest news as the day dawned. it was pleasant, but that was then and this is now. as the news-cycles became infected by covid-19, i decided that ingesting a super intense cup of kick-ass coffee, combined with endless news-flashes about the real possibility of a wheezing death, might not be such a stellar way to begin each day.

unfortunately, after listening to the current country music for a while i realized i might’ve been mistaken. the lyrics did not speak to me, probably because i’m not a raging alcoholic. for example: ‘i like cold beer, yes i do. i like cold beer, how ‘bout you?,’ or: ‘the beer i had for breakfast wasn’t bad, so i had another for desert,’ or: ‘tequila makes grandma take her pants off.’ whatever happened to: ‘i walk the line,’ ‘forever and ever amen,’ or: ‘i hope you dance.’

the commercials on all the channels, of course, could drive anyone to drink. ‘we’re here for you’ is an oft-repeated phrase i seriously doubt. paying a company to help me get outta debt seems questionable. an injury-lawyer incessantly assuring me he’d only get paid when i got paid feels somehow odd. ‘buy more, save more’ is a catchy if illogical slogan. banks, car dealerships, the big-box department stores all claim to have our best interests in mind. there’s an ad for a retirement residence that sounds paradisiacal, and they apparently have several vacancies at the moment. i found myself looking wistfully at the saaq as i drove over to buy groceries.

in the end, i simply began to resist turning the radio on altogether, for a while. i drink a bit of coffee while listening instead to the birds sing, watch the day dawn and appreciate the moments of perfection. i’m awake, the mornings are lovely, i feel grateful. after all, she was the love of my life, until she wasn’t.

‘it is in the early morning hour that the unseen is seen and the far-off beauty and glory, vanquishing all the vagueness, moves down upon us till they stand clear as crystals close against the soul.” sarah smiley.